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Hey guys, well i'm working again tonight, as you can probably guess since that seems to be the only time that I post anything. So lately I've been thinking alot about my future and what I want with it. I'm in the place where I'm getting tired of school and all that, and I have to wonder sometimes what I actually want about it all. It used to be that my whole goal was to get a good education, however I'm starting to think that as much as a want that I also want a whole lot of other things as well. So I kinda think that I definately want to continue with my whole education thing, but that its also not the absolute most important thing in my life anymore. I probably won't be able to leave it alone enough though to the point where I just chill and don't worry about studying so much. So I really don't have much to say except that there are more College day students here again this weekend so things are busy once again, and I have to work while they are here, which is pretty abnoxious, but whatever. Oh ya i don't know if I said anything about this before but I will be able to finish all three years of undergrad here at CUC.

Good weekend?

Well the weekend has come and gone and I'm happy to say in some aspects that it is over although I do have to say that it had its moments where lets just say left me rethinking things. Ok so I ended up doing lots and lots of homework over the weekend which really isn't that cool. I didn't get much sleep which is still bugging me and now I'll be up till like 3 in the morning working so tomorrow will only be worse. Oh ya we did have College day kids staying with us which was pretty good, and we got along good with them. Haha oh ya and we get money for them which is pretty amazing too, I never complain about getting a little extra cash. I also got to the point with some friends that I just really couldn't handle them anymore, so I ditched them on the weekend. Because I ditched them that is why I had a good time, because I went out hung with friends who I don't usualy hang with. Although staying up till three in the morning doesn't really do much for working the next day. Oh ya sunday morning I was up at 8 to start work. We had this like art show gallery thing in the dorm lobby and so I had to help set up these big massive black back drops that we hung from the ceiling to put the pictures on. The work wasn't that hard and I only worked for like 3 hours but the best part is that my boss told me to write down time for like 8 hours. Sunday I worked and studied for my midterm which I had on Monday, which by the way I happily got 95% on, so I'm not complaining. Last night and today I spent studying for a test that I wrote at 2 this afternoon, and now I have to reread and go over my term paper which is due tomorrow. So ya to say the least I've got stuff to do, but it shouldn't be so bad.

It's a ritual

So ya, I'm working again tonight so I figured that I at least had to check in for a little bit anyways tonight. So lets see what is happening new in my life? There are a bunch of College Day students here visiting for the weekend, which can get pretty wild around here then, but lets hope that it won't. Me and my roomates have two guys staying in our room and thankfully they are both pretty cool so that makes things nice. Hmmm...I had something to say but now for the life of me I can't remember what it was....man I hate that. This is really random but I got a hair cut today...not sure if I like it since it is a Mofawk (which stands for a mohawk that doesn't actually have the sides all biqued). at least I can just cut it off later and then it just looks like a normal cut. Ok now I'm really starting to get annoyed because I can't remember. Ok so tonight while working one of the girls went out the fire exit door to take out garbage, but she told me so I disarmed the fire alarm. After that however when she came back in, I couldn't get the alarm to re-arm. Sometimes the door istn' quite closed or something. So anyways I had to go walking through the girls hall at midnight with college day students here so the hallways were crowded. I had to stand at the end of the hall and yell for everyone to get their clothes on. It was pretty funny anyways. It cracks me up that I'm not and RA or even a student Dean but the they all just let me do whatever because I work for both of the deans doing other stuff. So ya that's pretty much all that is happening around here.

Memories

It is cold outside and vehicle starts with a groan. As I scrape the windows I really have to ask myself why the heck are we doing this. The cousins start filling out of the house and climb into the vehicle. Some are laughing and talking and others are just sitting there with their eyes glazed over as the remains of sleep still hold them in a trance. I get into the car and back it out the drive. The snow lined road reminds that it may be a little slick out there. The snow is piled high on either sides and we head out the valley. I can't remember how many years it's been since I've been out here. It's gotta be at least 6 or 7. My older brother and cousin and I start talking away as we start retracing the the past, our childhood. The younger siblings and cousins sit and listen to the stories we tell of watching grizzly bears hunt the farmers cows, or of driving home one Sabbath afternoon and seeing a logging truck tip over into the snow. My cousin who lived out the valley starts calling out the names of places her and her siblings created in their childhood games. It may seem silly to some, but those were the moments that we remember. We make the last corner the mitten comes into view. We all kinda hold our breath and watch to see if anything will have changed. The only differend I can see is that the road isn't is plowed as it used to be back when we all lived out there. We drive down teh mitten, just barely plowing snow infront of us. At the end of Grandma and Grandpa's drive way we come to a stop and all get out. The cold bites at our noses and even at 10 in the morning the sun is just barely rising above the trees. The snow shoes come out, and everyone straps in. We start out marching single file down the driveway. We alternate between conversation and silence. I look up and see the hills that surround us. I can see the hill across the river where I've spent hours with my dad and brother looking for mushrooms. I can just barely hear the river in the distance. The though of it's cold icy waters sends a shiver down my spine. I'm suddenly brought back to reality by the person infront of me stepping aside and telling me that it was my turn to break trail. I look down and realize that we are following in the footsteps of a moose. With a grin I realize that somethings in this world just don't change. As we keep walking the cold is forgotten and the jackets start coming off. Thanks to my little brother I don't have to pack mine. We round that last little corner where the road curves up slighty and there is our grandparents place. The house where at Christmas we would fill it to the brim. Where us older cousins can remember the adventures out behind it following the deer trails and playing tag, Idians and Cowboys, and cops and robbers. I look at the younger cousins and realize that they can only recognize the place by pictures or by coming back to visit in the years after all the fun times. It seems sad that we have such a memory here and while they may find it interesting they don't have the same attachment. We look around for a while, at the old cellar that I can distinctly finding rocks for and dumping them into the still soft cement. The sawdust pile where hours were spent making forts. Grandpa's hay shed where we helped to pile the hay. Grandma's massive gardent with all the potatoes, strawberries and Grandma's beloved floweres. The old barn on my aunt and uncle's place where we would find all the fun stuff like cow bells, and old guns. The moments in your childhood that you can never forget like me and Dixie being able to watch a mule being born. Later that day we looked across the river to where we used to live, and I remember the field flooding, the plane that ran out of fuel and landed in our field, and the wolves calling out their lonesome calls at night.

As we start the drive back to town the vehicle grows quiet as we feel the day of physical exertion catching up with us. I wonder why we do this? Why do we find it important to go back to our childhood? What is it exactly about our past that makes whole we are today? and then it hit me...it is exactly because of my childhood, that I'm the way I am now. That is why I have to go back to those places and remember my past....so I can remember who am. I can form my life and take where I want it, but it is back in the past that I find where the principles of my current life are grounded and sometimes I need to be re-reminded of that. It's remembering the past and the simplicity of childhood that reminds me that there is sense in this world.

I'm procrastinating

Well instead of actually studying I'm procrastinating and sitting on here instead. I'm sitting in our new student lounge and it reminds me of home, and is incredibly calm and quite since there are only like 3 of us in here, and all are studying or on their laptops. This place would almost be a library if we just had books.

I really like warm sunny days! Today we are having one of those days where you can almost think that spring is coming, since the snow is melting and it is warm and sunny. But then I have to wake up and realize that I live in Alberta where there is a good chance that I'll see snow in June so who knows! I miss spring at home though. There is nothing quite like watching the rising rivers and all those cotton woods turn green. The greatest part is that it seems like all the leaves just seem to come out in one day. You are going along and suddenly you realize that there are leaves everywhere. That is how life is though, it is just suddenly upon you and you have no idea how it got there.

Ok so I'm not sure if I'll be back to CUC next year or not. In order to be accepted to the grad school that I want to go to I may have to a public university for at least one year. I'm in the midst of e-mailing the school and getting it all figured out, so hopefully all is good and I don't actually have to change schools, because if I change schools then I won't be able to graduate with any sort of degree, which is disappointing but whatever. If I do have to go to a public university then I will probably go to either UNBC or else to U of A here in Alberta. Not really sure but either would be good. Anyways that is all that is new in my life right now.

Deja Vu

Haha, it seems that one of the few times that I have time for this is when I'm working. Isn't that a little weird? I'll be here till 3 am again this morning so I can just settle in for a long stay. I decided tonight that I had done too much homework today so I was going to chill, and I couldn't even find anything to do so I just went back to doing homework. At that moment I really had to ask myself if my life really is pathetic. I consul myselft with the fact that I'm working towards something.

Lets see I have a test tomorrow at 10:00 and then another test on on thursday, a midterm on Monday and a term paper due next Wednesday. So I'm pretty much stoked about this next week coming up! Anyways I should really head off.

Over

Well my break is basically over. I guess techniqually I have until like tomorrow morning at my first class, however I have to work tonight from 11-3 so that kinda ruins most of my evening. The good news about the break though is that was able to get all of my Stats class done except for the midterm and final. I'm taking the class by correspondence so I just have to go schedule the tests and I'm home free. Anyways I have test tomorrow that I need to study for so I should go.

Something different

Well for my break I actually got to get away and do something different. I said goodbye to the textbooks and the dorm for a few short hours and went with some friends to West Ed. I'm not exactly a shopping person however today wasn't so bad; probably because I've been at school too long. I got a couple of nice shirts which I really needed, so that was good. Also I went out to eat which was amazing, since the caf food is getting a little old.

When we first got to the mall it was pretty much empty which was sweet, however it filled up pretty fast. As we were pushing down one hallway, I got to thinking about all the people around me. It seems strange that everyone out there leads some sort of life. We were so close physically that I could have reached out and touched them but emotionally we could have been on a different planet. It wasn't one of those "oh I feel lonely in a crowd" thing, but was thinking and trying imagine what kind of lives each of them had. I wonder what "normal" is for them? It's hard to judge in a setting like that, where everyone goes and puts on some sort of face.

I have to admit that people watching is a personal favorite of mine. It is especially interesting when you have the subcultures. You have the emos, punks, skaters, rockers, rednecks, gruffs, hippies, preps, and a whole lot of other more fashionable ones that I could never personally identify as being seperate. That was what I noticed in the mall today was that everyone there was trying to fit some category. Even those who were "unique" still were easy to label into some category. It's funny how growing up we try so hard to be unique and in the end we are all the same. We can be so much alike yet so different. Anyways those are my thoughts for the day.

Tired

What a ridiculous time to be writing on here! On the other hand there really isn't anything else to do. I have been up and working for two hours already this morning, and it's only 5 in the morning. I actually wasn't even supposed to be working today till 5 but for some reason my shift got changed to 3 in the morning which is very strange since it's been at 5 for the whole year. I'm quite annoyed by the whole thing since no one even told me that the shift had been changed and I ended coming late to work.

On the other hand, I'm up early and working Sabbath morning actually gives me about 4 hours of God time, which is really needed with my crazy busy life. One of the best songs that I'm listening to right now is "It is you" by Newsboys. God is so amazing. Sometimes I wonder how I can make it through life without a more constant contact with him. I really wish sometimes that I could go back to how it was when I was Venezuela. For that one year I relied on God like nothing I've ever done before. I know that some don't believe in God and I have respect that, I myself am not so sure about all the rigid religions out there (including mine), however I can say without that there is at least a God in my life. There are things that I've gone through that can only be explained by the presence of a God. Even if someone could actually prove that heaven did not exist then I'd still have to believe in God because there is no other way to explain things. It is all about faith, and I know that I need something to believe in otherwise this place just seems like one chaotic cesspool. This world isn't going to last much longer, and things are going to get worse than they were in Venezuela. We live in this little bubble here in North America, which is barely camouflaged. It used to bother me that I was watched so much in Venezuela, and that i had to take my passport with me all the time, and I used to tell myself that things were so much better back home, however here we are watched even more than they are down there. The difference is that here it's more sophisticated so we don't notice it as much.

Shut up and Do It!

Well it is a Friday afternoon and things are finally starting to wind down for the week, even though techiqually i've been having a break since yesterday. I spend yesterday afternoona and today writing my term paper. The good news is that it is done. I did however figure out that I'd get a lot more done if I'd just stop complaining and just get to work. I know that, that idea is pretty common sense and not new, but hey I just figured it out for myself so whatever.

This weekend it kinda one of the strangest there are. I'm having a break however I have lots to do (I'm not complaining I'm just stating facts) however I'm actually going to get a few fun things in. It just doesn't seem to be quite normal that is all. Anyways does it really matter? Normal is just a loosely coined term anyways.

What a headache!

Ok So there is nothing quite like only getting 2 hours of sleep the night before and now suffering through a insomnia induced headache. I got off work at 3 last night and I couldn't get to sleep until like 7 am, and I had to get up at 9. Well actually I got up at 9:49 and class starts at 9:50 so that made for some fun running around. I really hate those days that just don't seem to work out very good. At least the whole homework thing appears to be running fairly smoothly today, other than the fact that I just really want to sleep.

My roommate left for the break this afternoon, and I'm not going to lie, I'm really jealous. I'll be spending my whole break here at school. I have some work to get done and I am going to work a bunch, but seriously how crappy is this? I guess I shouldn't complain since a lot of other students are also staying, but it would have been nice to go home and see everyone again.

Oh the Joy of School

Well I haven't posted or written anything like this for a long, time however I decided that it was about time to start back up with this. I spent all of last year practically documenting all aspects of my life although no one else may care, I've decided to do it again.

I've been finding lately that school can be such a boring ordeal. I've got to wonder sometimes why I do it, but then I realize that really do want the end result. I guess the negativity could also be a part of the fact that it's 2 in the morning and I know that I'll be awake till at least 3. That is another one of my beefs with school, the lack of sleep. But I guess I have to get through this somehow. On the whole other side of this, school it's self is actually going quite well this semester and I can't complain about it, since I just got all my midterm marks back and I'm definately doing how I like. Stat's on the other hand is definately a challenge. I'm so sick of struggling through probability.

For the last few days I've been wondering about life, and that stuff. I sometimes wish that I could go back to when I was younger and things were simpler. Not that my life is really complicated however when I was younger I didn't concern myself with things like what the meaning of my life was and all that stuff. Now I sometimes wonder what my purpose here is really. I know that I don't want my life to simply pass me by, and sometimes it scares me to realize how much I actually have just spent watching opportunities slide on by. I have wasted time doing things that were completely pointless, and that is irritating. I guess what I'm asking myself is that if I were to die tomorrow, would I have made enough of a difference here already, and if my answer is no then I better start doing something today to change that. I'm only given one chance, and I want it to be worth something. I don't want to be known for having lots of money, although at this point a little would be helpful, but for something greater. On another note I'm beginning to realize that I can be quite a jerk. I am a rather self-centered individual who is content to simply go through life, fulfilling only what I want. That is something else that needs to change. I know that many don't see this, however I know that I am because there are times when I really could care less what happens. Anyways I'm starting to go cross-eyed, so I should probably go on to something else before I go to sleep.